Mother’s Day After a Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer (2018)

I would like to thank this guest blogger, who will remain anonymous, for her courage in writing this. And although Mother's Day has past, the feelings don't go away at the end of the day.

Mother’s Day is hard during infertility.

When it falls days after you find out that your PGS tested perfect embryo transfer failed

Mother’s Day is a punch in the stomach

It’s a constant reminder of everything you don’t have

But everything you want

It’s logging onto social media and immediately logging off because every post is a trigger

It’s staring at baby strollers longingly and wondering if it’ll ever be you

It’s seeing pregnant women everywhere you turn and trying to push the tears away

It’s a constant reminder of what you had, if only fleetingly for those 2 weeks when you were pregnant until proven otherwise

It’s trying to hide, but not being able to

Mother’s Day, days after a failed transfer is the worst broken heart I’ve ever experienced

It’s wondering if next year, you’ll be in the same place, wondering what the next steps are

It’s wondering when you’ll ever be on the right side of statistics

It’s feeling the familiar sharp and dull cramps meaning your period is coming

Mother’s Day after a failed embryo transfer is being so close  yet so far from all your dreams coming true

Instead, it’s the world’s worst nightmare

Filled with heartache, and anguish

It’s the loneliest day on the calendar

It’s wondering how you’ve made it through the last 15 months, not knowing how much longer until it’s over

It’s knowing that you’ll keep going, because you have no other choice

It’s still keeping the faith that one day your story will change

But secretly, terrified that it never will.

Mother’s Day after a failed frozen embryo transfer is looking for happiness in orchids blooming

It’s staring at calm waters

Every day with infertility is crippling,  

Mother’s Day after a failed embryo transfer is soul crushing

It’s reminding myself I have 4 embryos frozen in time; waiting for us.

And that one day, we’ll be one of the families unknowingly breaking another couple’s heart