When Miracles Happen

It's been a long time. I was writing very consistently until everything changed and I didn't know how to write about it. I also didn't want to jinx anything.

Where did I leave off? I'll sum up and try to keep it short. We were looking for a surrogate. We found a surrogate in New Brunswick through an agency. Going the independent route didn't work out and it just seemed easier to have a "middle-man" to deal with payments. She seemed wonderful. But everything was stressful. All the medical tests she had to do, the healthcare system in New Brunswick we learned was terrible and inaccessible, the costs involved with our fertility clinic, the agency was difficult to work with, the clinic also became difficult to work with, and I felt like everything was against me becoming a mom. Contract negotiations were also taking forever (a document that takes at least 3 hours to read). Summer 2017 was not fun, very stressful, and I wasn't feeling well health-wise. The only thing keeping me going was our canoe trips on the summer long weekends to give us a break from the chaos.

After putting it off forever, I decided that I would start another IVF cycle to create more embryos. This would be my 7th egg retrieval. I didn't know how many tries we would need from the surrogate and was also thinking of future children. Since I don't have a cycle, the new plan was to take the birth control pill for 2 months before starting the IVF cycle. The standard protocol is to go in to the clinic for a beta test (pregnancy test) before starting any cycle / meds. My in-laws were in town from Israel and I honestly just didn't have the willpower to go in. Why do a blood test that's going to be negative? So I was about to start the pill when something in the back of my mind told me to just pee on a stick.



It was a Wednesday morning at the beginning of September. My husband was still asleep and I went to pee on the stick in the bathroom. It immediately showed positive. So I thought it must be wrong because I don't ovulate, so obviously it's a false positive. I must have done something wrong. Maybe I peed on it for too many seconds, or it was tilted upright at some point, or I shpritzed too much. I didn't even tell my husband figuring it was all a mistake. On Thursday morning I decided to pee in a cup - it's more controlled. I dipped the stick in for the instructed 20 seconds, but after just a few it showed positive again. I was in shock. And this was the day my in-laws were flying back to Israel. So I said nothing. But told my husband. And immediately emailed my doctor about it saying I need to come in for a blood test and ultrasound. You know how they say not to look things up on google? Well, never look up what else can produce hCG in the body other than the plancenta. I was really hoping I was pregnant because the other options are not so pretty.

Friday morning ultrasound technician: "So you're measuring 9 weeks 5 days pregnant." And she showed me the screen. And I cried.

My doctor had no answers to my "but how? HOW? Other than actually how, HOW?" It was really against all odds.

I had been walking around pregnant for 2 months without even knowing it. Doing everything wrong. Getting drunk on my birthday at the end of July. Eating sushi. Carrying heavy packs on canoe trips. Spraying deet on me so the mosquitoes wouldn't bite. Eating soft cheeses. Doing a wine tour in Prince Edward County. The list goes on. It also explained all the nausea, exhaustion, moodiness, exhaustion, food aversions, and nausea. I attributed all of this to my ragweed allergy after a rainy summer, and figured I should go to the doctor and do a blood test to check my iron levels. Who knew?

We were all in shock and totally high. I'm still kind of in shock.

Two days later, out of the blue, we get an email from our surrogate's lawyer saying that a health issue has come up and she's no longer able to continue as our surrogate. Right before we were all about to sign the contract.

Totally disappointing news. And suddenly I became the back-up plan...

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

Thankfully, the pregnancy was totally normal. NORMAL. But it was hard to be happy about it all the time. We learned from IVF not to have our hopes up. When we told our families right after the ultrasound, we told them not to be too excited. We didn't know what was going to happen. It's kind of sad that there was so much caution around such happy news. We tried to fend off the potential disappointment. With every month that passed it became more and more real, and also scarier and scarier. We couldn't believe how normal everything was.

In April we were blessed with our miracle baby boy. He's the most beautiful, perfect baby, and after almost 5 months, I still get teary when I look at him. I'm still in disbelief that he's here. And how perfect he is for us.

And with this giant blessing, I'm already thinking about how we continue to make our family. Will I miraculously get pregnant again? Will we have to go back to fertility treatments? Will we have to find a surrogate? I really don't want to. I really want to believe that I can put it all behind me and just continue to be "normal". When I talk to friends currently going through treatments, I just pray that I won't have to go back there. It can be a very dark place, and I know we'll do what we have to to eventually expand our family. But for now, I'm loving every minute of it. Even the really hard moments.

I am so grateful for all the love and support we have received from family, friends, and strangers, and all of the followers of this blog. Our journey to parenthood was a long one, but we made it. And it gives me hope that no matter what way it happens, it will happen for others too. And for us again. 

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

(c) Rebecca Schwartz