A Passover Reflection

I know it's been a long time since I've written. For reasons that will come out later.

This evening we start the Jewish holiday of Passover. My friend Rachel has written this blog post. Thank you Rachel for sharing your story and your wise words.

During the Seder we will be recounting the story of the Exodus from Egypt and redemption from Pharaoh’s oppression, and many take time to reflect upon the broader theme of national and individual struggle and redemption. Since the birth of my son a few months ago, I have been processing my own challenges with infertility and pregnancy loss, and as Passover approaches I am reflecting on past Passovers without our children. Thank you to Rebecca for asking me to write a guest blog post about this process.

In the Haggadah, we read “All who are hungry, come and eat; all who are needy come and celebrate Passover."  Sometimes celebrating Passover and attending a Seder can be difficult. We may or may not know the challenges facing friends, family members, or strangers at the meal. Maybe you or someone you know are in need of a personal redemption.

Your cancer has returned and you do not know if this is your last Seder.

Your depression is making it difficult to get out the door for the Seder.

You see the wine on the table and even after all these years since rehab it is hard to say no.

You eat the Seder meal and cannot wait to escape to the bathroom to vomit or weigh yourself.

You last saw these family members at a shiva house.

You just found out that your company is closing and you need to find new employment.

You broke up yet again and dread having to explain you are dating again to everyone at the table.

You are thinking about divorcing your spouse but do not want to hurt your children.

When experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss, Passover and the Seder might include:

You just had a negative pregnancy test again this month.

You just came back from a doctor’s appointment and learned you will likely miscarry by the end of Passover.

You have a high risk pregnancy with diabetes and can’t drink or eat normally at the Seder but do not want to tell family yet.

You are waiting to adopt your foster child but have met another delay.

Your surrogate just changed their mind.

You are worried about the cost of your next assisted reproductive treatment cycle.

You had to put off a month of assisted reproductive treatments because of Passover.

For those of us including myself following this blog, infertility touches close to home. My husband and I experienced unexplained infertility and pregnancy losses before our daughter was born. After becoming parents, we experienced multiple pregnancy losses including a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and stillborn. Every week when I light the Shabbat candles for my two living children, I reflect upon our blessings and those losses and have decided to light a third candle in their honor.  

At the Seder, where there is a commandment to teach our children the story of Passover, I am still remembering the painful years when I wanted children. When we have the empty cup for Elijah, I once thought about the missing cup belonging to a child. After our daughter was born, I felt guilty for praying to have more children after so many years of just wanting to become a parent. Two years ago my husband and I planned a last minute vacation to Israel over Passover. We had just had a pregnancy loss again and I could not face normal Passover preparations and festivities. I was not in a festive place that year. This year, I am feeling prepared for the Seder celebrations but my heart is with all of you who are not there yet.