When Our Clinics Own Us

There are so many instances and situations at my various clinics where I have felt that I am completely powerless. When I have not been given choices or there are no choices. When we’ve had to just deal with the situation, accept it, and resort to the terrible phrase “it is what it is”. I’m not sure what the solution is. I think it would help for us all to share our clinic experiences - perhaps more transparency would do the trick. Like when you give a review on Yelp for a restaurant you just ate in.

There was a situation recently which made me feel awful. And it got me thinking about all the times that my clinics (and there have been a few) have complete power over me. I went online to pay my visa bill and saw that my clinic charged me $2,000. I was never made aware that I would be charged this amount for something so figured it was a mistake and called the clinic. Turns out that it was for a medical consult of our (hopefully) gestational carrier (GC). (good news, we have found someone amazing, but more on that soon, I want to focus on the topic at hand). This was a short chat between my doctor and our GC. And that’s what it costs for some reason I have yet to figure out. Do I have a choice in this? No. She has to speak with him and do all these tests. But the clinic doesn’t have to charge that exorbitant amount of money. And my doctor was running over an hour late and made our GC wait for his call. My fertility lawyer’s fees come nowhere close to what my clinic is charging for a short phone call. Neither do my accountant’s. It’s crazy. I think. So I made a huge stink about it. I spoke up. I emailed everyone necessary and unnecessary. Turns out that is was an error. And I will be completely refunded. Also turns out that there was supposed to be a charge for the appointment, but no one has yet told me what it is. Due to the huge stress this has caused me, I have demanded no charge at all for the appointment. This got me thinking of how easy it would have been for me to miss this charge. And to how many people must not realize things and perhaps pay for no reason.

The Power of One

This past week I attended an event called JEDx put on by a Jewish organization for young professionals called The House. It’s basically like a Jewish TEDx where speakers come from all over focused on a theme and how their Jewish values came into play, and how to be a better person in society and our own communities. This year’s topic was The Power of One, and it was a group of extremely inspirational human beings. The House was started over 10 years ago by one of my heroes and high school teacher Rabbi Rafi Lipner (he was also one of the first people I told about looking for a surrogate as he’s super connected and has been so supportive and kind during this journey of our’s). At the end of the event Rabbi Rafi said something along the lines of you don’t do inspiration at an event, it’s what you do afterwards. And it got me thinking. It’s twofold - first, how am I going to be a power of one, the goals of this blog, how to reach out to people to make infertility a little less pain and a little more love, and two, how I have been affected by so many ‘ones’ who have made me get to the point where I’m staying mostly sane on this crazy journey of infertility and am now writing my 10th blog post.

There are 2 speakers from the event in particular that spoke about things that really resonated with me.

Why I'm Celebrating Mother's Day This Year

Mother’s Day is one of these holidays that either you’re on board or you’re not. For years now I’ve mostly seen it as a hallmark holiday - shouldn’t every day be mother’s day? I like to think she should feel appreciated all the time.

There’s a whole variety of reasons as to why one may not like mother’s day. For infertiles, the reason is pretty obvious. And for weeks there’s so much hype about it. Constant reminders of what we cannot do. Become moms. Even Ellen DeGeneres has a Mother’s Day show full of soon-to-be moms with giant bellies. I’ve mostly avoided all things Mother’s Day. And I’ve read a lot of pretty depressing posts lately, and rightly so. It is tough this time of year - also with spring now here and all the pregnant women have magically appeared all around us. But I’d like to lighten up the mood a little bit. And I don’t need actual children to celebrate Mother’s Day. I’ve done quite a lot for my future babies!

1. They’ve already costed me a fortune. Everyone complains about how expensive children are. Well, I’ll probably be poor by the time they show up! And now with potential upcoming surrogacy costs… Just sayin…

My Top 5 Criteria for Fertility Doctors and Staff

Obviously, you want to choose a good doctor. It’s hard to know from the start who is going to be good and who isn’t. They all graduated, right? Recommendations help. And sometimes, it’s just good chemistry. Also, at the beginning, you don’t know how far into the whole process you’re going to need to go. In my 4+ years of experience at different clinics and with different doctors, here are my top 5 of what to look for.

1. They care about me

This may seem like something obvious, but it’s really not. Like most doctors, fertility doctors have hundreds if not thousands of patients. Each one has her own expectations of how much attention she should be receiving relating to the problem at hand (including myself). And we’re talking about hundreds of very hormonal women here. I don’t envy fertility doctors, it’s a hard job. So on top of all that they have to deal with, my good doctors hav often made me feel like I might be their only patient. They have seen me on short notice, and have squeezed me in between other patients. They have always been there for me / us, to get us through tough results, miscarriages, moving countries or clinics, and have cared to have conversations that don’t just relate to follicles, embryos, linings, and sperm.