When Miracles Happen

It's been a long time. I was writing very consistently until everything changed and I didn't know how to write about it. I also didn't want to jinx anything.

Where did I leave off? I'll sum up and try to keep it short. We were looking for a surrogate. We found a surrogate in New Brunswick through an agency. Going the independent route didn't work out and it just seemed easier to have a "middle-man" to deal with payments. She seemed wonderful. But everything was stressful. All the medical tests she had to do, the healthcare system in New Brunswick we learned was terrible and inaccessible, the costs involved with our fertility clinic, the agency was difficult to work with, the clinic also became difficult to work with, and I felt like everything was against me becoming a mom. Contract negotiations were also taking forever (a document that takes at least 3 hours to read). Summer 2017 was not fun, very stressful, and I wasn't feeling well health-wise. The only thing keeping me going was our canoe trips on the summer long weekends to give us a break from the chaos.

After putting it off forever, I decided that I would start another IVF cycle to create more embryos. This would be my 7th egg retrieval. I didn't know how many tries we would need from the surrogate and was also thinking of future children. Since I don't have a cycle, the new plan was to take the birth control pill for 2 months before starting the IVF cycle. The standard protocol is to go in to the clinic for a beta test (pregnancy test) before starting any cycle / meds. My in-laws were in town from Israel and I honestly just didn't have the willpower to go in. Why do a blood test that's going to be negative? So I was about to start the pill when something in the back of my mind told me to just pee on a stick.

Mother’s Day After a Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer (2018)

I would like to thank this guest blogger, who will remain anonymous, for her courage in writing this. And although Mother's Day has past, the feelings don't go away at the end of the day.

Mother’s Day is hard during infertility.

When it falls days after you find out that your PGS tested perfect embryo transfer failed

Mother’s Day is a punch in the stomach

It’s a constant reminder of everything you don’t have

But everything you want

It’s logging onto social media and immediately logging off because every post is a trigger

It’s staring at baby strollers longingly and wondering if it’ll ever be you

It’s seeing pregnant women everywhere you turn and trying to push the tears away

It’s a constant reminder of what you had, if only fleetingly for those 2 weeks when you were pregnant until proven otherwise

It’s trying to hide, but not being able to

A Passover Reflection

I know it's been a long time since I've written. For reasons that will come out later.

This evening we start the Jewish holiday of Passover. My friend Rachel has written this blog post. Thank you Rachel for sharing your story and your wise words.

During the Seder we will be recounting the story of the Exodus from Egypt and redemption from Pharaoh’s oppression, and many take time to reflect upon the broader theme of national and individual struggle and redemption. Since the birth of my son a few months ago, I have been processing my own challenges with infertility and pregnancy loss, and as Passover approaches I am reflecting on past Passovers without our children. Thank you to Rebecca for asking me to write a guest blog post about this process.

In the Haggadah, we read “All who are hungry, come and eat; all who are needy come and celebrate Passover."  Sometimes celebrating Passover and attending a Seder can be difficult. We may or may not know the challenges facing friends, family members, or strangers at the meal. Maybe you or someone you know are in need of a personal redemption.