The "It could always be worse" Syndrome

In chatting with friends and others going through fertility treatments, I’ve noticed a common theme. We sometimes get these pings of guilt. For a whole variety of reasons, but sometimes it’s because we think that we don’t deserve to feel bad. I’m honestly not for being in a chronic state of wallowing in self-pity, but there’s this feeling that what we’re dealing with is somewhat a choice. We think about how we’re not dying, as much as infertility is a disease and the majority of the time related to physical disabilities within the body, but no, there’s not a death connection. We think about how everyone is dealt different cards in life - maybe my finances are okay, or I have a loving supportive family, but I can’t have a baby, and so I shouldn’t feel bad because others have crappy finances or unsupportive families but can easily have a baby. We think about how we have friends who are still single in their 30s looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with, and I’m complaining about how I can’t have children when they’re not even there yet! If we have secondary infertility we might think about how at least we could easily have 1 child whereas some people spend years trying for their first. We keep thinking about how it could always be worse.

This isn’t something that others say to us. No friend or family member actually feels this way about those close to them who are infertile. It’s totally something felt inside. In conversations that we have with ourselves or our partners. But maybe this is also our way of seeing the positive things in our lives too. It’s important to remember them. And we can be thankful for our health, our loving partner, our jobs, friends, family, etc.

It’s important to remember that no matter where we are in the process, we each have a right to feel whatever it is that we feel. I think some of it comes from this modern notion that family building is a choice, so it’s as if we’re choosing our infertility situation, so why should people care.

It’s not a choice. Well, not entirely. We are genetically programmed to reproduce. Just like we have drives to eat, drink, breathe - we also have a sex drive, and it’s not just for pleasure. In our modern society we might choose when to have children, or not to have children at all. And unless one has chosen not to have children, the rest of us see children in the future, at some point. Although our modern society doesn’t dictate that we marry young and quickly make babies, family building is still a drive inside most of us.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

This makes it frustrating when it costs so much to make this happen. Or our work insurance plans won’t help pay for infertility drugs. Or people say things like, “well at least you have… (your health, your first child, your family, some money, time, freedom, etc)”

Obviously, yes, it could always be worse. Both within the process of infertility and in other aspects of life. Just recognize that it’s okay to feel the way you do, and always remember the positive things around you.