1 in 8 couples experience infertility. This means that you all know at least one person going through it. Friends, family, coworkers.
As girls, we all grew up playing with dolls and babies, and playing house. It was obvious that one day we would meet the perfect man, get married, have a meaningful job, and make a family. As we get older it's obviously not black and white and people choose to do a whole variety of things, but for me at least, that plan never really changed. I met the perfect man, got married, and have had an interesting and meaningful career so far. The last piece is simply taking forever.
Alice Doman, Ph.D, Director of Integrative Care at Boston IVF says, "The psychological impact of infertility is extremely profound. And in fact, women with infertility have the same level of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, HIV positive status, or heart disease." Thankfully, I have not experienced these other diseases and cannot compare, but think about the implications of this statement. Think about when you go to a party how 1 in 8 of your girlfriends potentially are experiencing this high level of anxiety. The truth is, that whenever I hear this statement (and it's been said by a whole bunch of health-care professionals), I tell myself how lucky I am that I'm not actually sick, and how the situation truly can be a hell of a lot worse, and how I am thankfully actually really healthy. That being said, depending on what's going on, my anxiety can be through the roof and I've had various waves of depression over the years.
 |
| (c) Rebecca Schwartz |
About 6 months ago I decided to go off facebook. Honestly, I'm addicted and didn't last very long. But I was off of there for at least a week. When you're infertile, all you see on facebook are babies and pregnancy and pregnancy photoshoots and newborn photoshoots and adorable children doing adorable children things. Like, if the situation wasn't depressing enough, facebook is the cherry on top. As I've mentioned previously, I really do love my friends' children and I'm overjoyed when they are creating their amazing families (I don't wish infertility on anybody). Facebook and Instagram and social media in general just make it hard to watch on the sidelines instead of being on the field playing the game with them. So I stopped following most of my friends on facebook (please don't take it personally) and I never really did instagram to begin with. Now I'm left with mostly animal pages that post depressing things about animal abuse, so really, I just need to get off social media.
For women experiencing infertility, everyday things like signing on to facebook can be daunting. There's nothing for us to post. I'm not about to post a photo of me in fertility treatments since I don't know if the results are going to be happy or sad. So we'll post about our hikes and travels. But of our personal family life, we can't join in, and in the world of "everything is up online" it's just another thing that adds to feeling extremely isolated.
Another aspect that is very psychologically trying is making the decision to explore other options. This even starts with getting into fertility treatments to begin with. Treatments are another option from the most natural, feel-good way of making a baby. To give that up and to be replaced by a cup at 7am in the morning, isn't an easy decision to make although a necessary one. The jump from there to exploring options such as egg or sperm donation, embryo donation, surrogacy, adoption, is HUGE! There are couples that will never get there because it's just too hard to think about. Years and years and years of IVF with the hopes that "this time" it will actually work. No matter what route you take, the financial costs are extremely high, and can often feel like you are buying a baby, not lovingly creating one. Oh, and the bureaucracy! And you have to rationalize to others that beggars actually can be choosers, since I want at least 3 children. Obviously, let's start with 1, but can't I have 3 or 4 or 6? I will eventually write about the process of finding a surrogate and what is involved, but for now I can say that it took us a very long time to say, "it's enough. Let's see if there's a different oven." It is a hard decision to say to yourself, who deep down inside is still that 4-year-old girl who wants to be a mommy, that there's a big chance you'll never ever feel life inside you and someone else (who is obviously extremely gracious), will feel your baby grow inside her instead. Looking into other options means giving up on certain dreams that are ingrained in us from the beginning of our own lives. There is a real process to make that type of decision. I know it took us a while. And then we were super quiet about it, and then very loud about it, and every couple has their own way of doing things. And on top of all this, I know that I still need to figure out a better protocol in order to hopefully make more embryos since we only have 2, that will hopefully work out.
This is why when people flippantly say, "just adopt" it is so hurtful - making that decision to have a non-biological child may be harder for a couple than climbing the world's tallest mountain. You can't "just" do it. In the same way that you can't "just" find a surrogate, or "just" get a donor egg or sperm belonging to a completely different individual you never get to meet, or even "just" do another round of IVF - it's expensive, physically trying, and psychologically insane.
In addition to the NIAW theme of Listen Up!, I'd like to add to please wake up. I am 1 of 8. We are all around you.
No comments:
Post a Comment