When Someone You Love has a Baby

I really debated writing this post. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad through my blog, and this topic is a little bit touchy. After all, the purpose of this blog is help others going through infertility and those connected to us, and to also help me deal with what I’m going through. I believe that this what all women in my situation feel, so I’ll do my best. Don't worry, at the end I get all optimistic.

When dealing with infertility, our brains and hearts get a little mixed up sometimes. They communicate in this odd way, and send each other messages that often don’t make sense. Like dating in high school.

This past week someone I love so dearly, a family member, had a baby. And I couldn’t be more thrilled. When I found out she was pregnant I really was overjoyed. A little jealous, but overjoyed. I love her and her daughter is like my niece. Another baby in the family is a blessing. So this week we found out that the baby arrived early. Yay! My first reaction was excitement! My heart filled up with love for a child I haven’t even met yet. Only saw a photo on whatsapp from a funny angle and was totally in love. I was at the office and was smiling as I read all the messages come through the family whatsapp group. I sent words of congratulations, mazel tov, happiness and excitement, and a bunch of emojis... And then something funny happened. My face started feeling all hot, my eyes all watery, my breathing sped up, and I’m at the office across from my office-mate thinking, “this doesn’t make sense. I’m so happy for her. Are these tears of joy welling up in my eyes? What’s happening to me?” And then my mind switched to, “it’s not fair. She got married after me, and now has 2 kids, and after 4.5 years I don’t even have one, and I’m so exhausted of the whole situation.” So I left my office to cry for a moment in the bathroom. Not one of my finest moments. But sometimes, we just need to get it out. That mixed emotion has to come out somehow, and with me, it’s tears. I kept telling myself how ridiculous I was being, how being jealous is just stupid, how I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine, how it has nothing to do with me at all, how wallowing in self-pity is dumb and a waste of time. And how I should only feel happiness. But sometimes, we can’t fight the feelings and just have to embrace it. As I left the bathroom, one of my colleagues was on her way in, and I immediately switched to “happy-faced Becca”. Ugh, the outer-persona of “I’m fine” that I have now practiced so many times.

One would think that after so many years I would have gotten better at this. And I think I have on some level. I get this feeling that people are afraid to share with me that they are pregnant. And they shouldn’t be. Because I really am happy. I don’t want all my friends and family to be infertile. That’s just crazy. When I hear of others who can’t have children it pains me waaaay more than hearing about pregnancy. If I can’t have my own right now, at least I can be an “aunt” to others. So I really am thrilled at the happy news. It’s just I wish I was better at only feeling the happy and not having any of the jealousy. But I see how much joy a new baby brings to family and friends. How people come from far and wide to see the baby and celebrate this new life. And I feel like it’s about time that we’re also the centre of that joy.

You don't have to go very far to see babies. We see them all the time. And yes, it's a reminder of what we cannot do, but for the most part, it doesn't affect me. I just carry on in my day. When someone close to you has a baby, it's suddenly different. You care so much about this person and you're so happy for them. But then comes the other thoughts of why don't I have one? Why can't I have one? And the jealousy creeps in. We then have to deal with the conflict of these 2 thoughts, these 2 feelings - the love and the jealousy.

I wish I had lots of advice to offer on how to deal with these feelings, but I think I’m still learning. Dealing with this situation is pretty personal. I will say don’t be afraid of these feelings. It’s natural. I think it applies to anything in life where you want something that’s unreachable. Like if one friend is rich and the other poorer, and the rich friend talks about vacations and the giant house and work. It’s not like there is no happiness for that person, but it would probably be joined with some feelings of “how do I get there”. But we have to remember that if something is unreachable, it's only “at the moment.” With dedication, willpower, perseverance, and a whole lot of helping hands, we can achieve anything within time. I saw a clip this week from the recent season of America’s Got Talent and there was a young woman who had lost her hearing, but loved to sing - and she did and was amazing. I found her truly inspirational (and super talented). She found a way to feel the vibrations of the music through her feet and trust her pitch.

I know that as we continue to work really hard on having a baby, our time will come. Our future centre of joy is simply frozen in time at the moment, but will arrive. And when s/he does, get ready to party.

If the person who just had a baby is reading this, know that I love you and your family so much and I can't wait to meet the newest member. Sending lots of hugs and kisses and love.