Focusing on our Husbands this Father's Day

When going through infertility, us women are pretty focused on what we're dealing with. Treatments can take over our lives. It's hard for us mentally, physically, financially. We're the ones who have to go to the clinic all the time. We have the painful tests to do. We get the phone calls from the clinic with either good news or bad news. We're at the front lines of war on infertility. There are constant triggers and reminders of what we cannot do. I swear, it doesn't matter what direction I look, everyone is pregnant. Or has a baby in a stroller. Even when I went to the bank this week to take cash out of the ATM, there was an ad for mortgages or something on the machine of a happy family with a toddler and the wife is pregnant. Even at the bank I'm reminded that I'm not a mom. And we get really caught up in it that sometimes we forget about the other half of Team Want To Be Parents.

When Someone You Love has a Baby

I really debated writing this post. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad through my blog, and this topic is a little bit touchy. After all, the purpose of this blog is help others going through infertility and those connected to us, and to also help me deal with what I’m going through. I believe that this what all women in my situation feel, so I’ll do my best. Don't worry, at the end I get all optimistic.

When dealing with infertility, our brains and hearts get a little mixed up sometimes. They communicate in this odd way, and send each other messages that often don’t make sense. Like dating in high school.

Taking a Break or Vacation

Summer is here!!! Ok, it’s cooler and rainier than I would like, but summer signals us to slow down a little, have a beer on a patio, and maybe even take a vacation. A lot of offices even switch to summer hours so that everyone can leave early on Fridays. I’m just excited to start camping again. For those going through infertility, planning a vacation can be impossible. But it’s important to try and get away, even for a long weekend.

Once a couple starts fertility treatments, it’s as if any option for going away comes to a halt. I’ll let you in on how the thinking works. It goes like this:

“Ok, so we’re starting IVF next week, that means 2 weeks of hell, egg retrieval, hopefully an embryo transfer, and then the 2 week wait. If we are pregnant (hopefully!), that means that we wait until there’s a heartbeat at week 6, which is 5 weeks after the embryo transfer. To be on the safe side, let’s wait until the 2nd week that there’s a heartbeat. Then maybe we can find some deal to get away for a week at some point. But this is assuming that all is going well and there are no complications. So let’s book for 9 weeks from now. But wait, if we’re not pregnant, are we going to do another cycle right away? We should probably wait a month for all the hormones to leave my system, so that’s a good time to go away, and that would be like, a few weeks from now. But in case we’re pregnant, I can’t ask for time off work now to book for a few weeks from now. So let’s wait for the results of the pregnancy test and then decide. But what if I am pregnant and not feeling well during the first trimester. This means we should wait until we know that I’m feeling well. But I’ll have to let work know at the beginning of my second trimester and what if they don’t let me go away on vacation knowing that I’ll soon be taking a lot of time off. But so many people go on “baby-moons” so it should be fine.”

When Our Clinics Own Us

There are so many instances and situations at my various clinics where I have felt that I am completely powerless. When I have not been given choices or there are no choices. When we’ve had to just deal with the situation, accept it, and resort to the terrible phrase “it is what it is”. I’m not sure what the solution is. I think it would help for us all to share our clinic experiences - perhaps more transparency would do the trick. Like when you give a review on Yelp for a restaurant you just ate in.

There was a situation recently which made me feel awful. And it got me thinking about all the times that my clinics (and there have been a few) have complete power over me. I went online to pay my visa bill and saw that my clinic charged me $2,000. I was never made aware that I would be charged this amount for something so figured it was a mistake and called the clinic. Turns out that it was for a medical consult of our (hopefully) gestational carrier (GC). (good news, we have found someone amazing, but more on that soon, I want to focus on the topic at hand). This was a short chat between my doctor and our GC. And that’s what it costs for some reason I have yet to figure out. Do I have a choice in this? No. She has to speak with him and do all these tests. But the clinic doesn’t have to charge that exorbitant amount of money. And my doctor was running over an hour late and made our GC wait for his call. My fertility lawyer’s fees come nowhere close to what my clinic is charging for a short phone call. Neither do my accountant’s. It’s crazy. I think. So I made a huge stink about it. I spoke up. I emailed everyone necessary and unnecessary. Turns out that is was an error. And I will be completely refunded. Also turns out that there was supposed to be a charge for the appointment, but no one has yet told me what it is. Due to the huge stress this has caused me, I have demanded no charge at all for the appointment. This got me thinking of how easy it would have been for me to miss this charge. And to how many people must not realize things and perhaps pay for no reason.

The Power of One

This past week I attended an event called JEDx put on by a Jewish organization for young professionals called The House. It’s basically like a Jewish TEDx where speakers come from all over focused on a theme and how their Jewish values came into play, and how to be a better person in society and our own communities. This year’s topic was The Power of One, and it was a group of extremely inspirational human beings. The House was started over 10 years ago by one of my heroes and high school teacher Rabbi Rafi Lipner (he was also one of the first people I told about looking for a surrogate as he’s super connected and has been so supportive and kind during this journey of our’s). At the end of the event Rabbi Rafi said something along the lines of you don’t do inspiration at an event, it’s what you do afterwards. And it got me thinking. It’s twofold - first, how am I going to be a power of one, the goals of this blog, how to reach out to people to make infertility a little less pain and a little more love, and two, how I have been affected by so many ‘ones’ who have made me get to the point where I’m staying mostly sane on this crazy journey of infertility and am now writing my 10th blog post.

There are 2 speakers from the event in particular that spoke about things that really resonated with me.

Why I'm Celebrating Mother's Day This Year

Mother’s Day is one of these holidays that either you’re on board or you’re not. For years now I’ve mostly seen it as a hallmark holiday - shouldn’t every day be mother’s day? I like to think she should feel appreciated all the time.

There’s a whole variety of reasons as to why one may not like mother’s day. For infertiles, the reason is pretty obvious. And for weeks there’s so much hype about it. Constant reminders of what we cannot do. Become moms. Even Ellen DeGeneres has a Mother’s Day show full of soon-to-be moms with giant bellies. I’ve mostly avoided all things Mother’s Day. And I’ve read a lot of pretty depressing posts lately, and rightly so. It is tough this time of year - also with spring now here and all the pregnant women have magically appeared all around us. But I’d like to lighten up the mood a little bit. And I don’t need actual children to celebrate Mother’s Day. I’ve done quite a lot for my future babies!

1. They’ve already costed me a fortune. Everyone complains about how expensive children are. Well, I’ll probably be poor by the time they show up! And now with potential upcoming surrogacy costs… Just sayin…

My Top 5 Criteria for Fertility Doctors and Staff

Obviously, you want to choose a good doctor. It’s hard to know from the start who is going to be good and who isn’t. They all graduated, right? Recommendations help. And sometimes, it’s just good chemistry. Also, at the beginning, you don’t know how far into the whole process you’re going to need to go. In my 4+ years of experience at different clinics and with different doctors, here are my top 5 of what to look for.

1. They care about me

This may seem like something obvious, but it’s really not. Like most doctors, fertility doctors have hundreds if not thousands of patients. Each one has her own expectations of how much attention she should be receiving relating to the problem at hand (including myself). And we’re talking about hundreds of very hormonal women here. I don’t envy fertility doctors, it’s a hard job. So on top of all that they have to deal with, my good doctors hav often made me feel like I might be their only patient. They have seen me on short notice, and have squeezed me in between other patients. They have always been there for me / us, to get us through tough results, miscarriages, moving countries or clinics, and have cared to have conversations that don’t just relate to follicles, embryos, linings, and sperm.