Finding Ways to Deal with our Surroundings

In my last post, I talked about how our environment, or the people around us, often make infertiles feel bad by using conventional methods of support. Today I'd like to talk about how we can work on ourselves, because who are we kidding, it's hard to change everyone.

To be honest, I wish I was better at dealing with all the mean and inappropriate things people have said to me over the years. I know that most of the time, comments come from a good place, from those with good intentions, who are simply trying to be helpful. And I do appreciate the efforts. I used to get really hurt and angry at friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers for making comments, but the truth is, that we never told them anything, so how could I blame them for being hurtful.

For example back in May 2014 we had a big family bbq. I was putting on my happy face despite having suffered my first miscarriage just over a week before. Suddenly, as it always did at that time, the conversation switched to kids, and about 3 relatives were teasing me that I didn’t have any. When I said that I really don’t like it, the response by a cousin was, “but this is how we are in this family, don’t take it so personally.” I fought back the tears (barely) and basically blew up about how pissed off I was and how I didn’t think it was okay. My husband’s aunt later apologized that day and I think she had a bit of an idea of what was maybe going on. But I didn’t say anything. I just assumed people should be sensitive to something they should have realized we were going through. It’s hard and kind of unfair to have those expectations. Especially in a society where people aren’t really aware of infertility, and if they know the word, what it really means. If I had been where I am now, then, I would have probably cried, and would have said, you know, I had a miscarriage a week ago and I can’t have children and have to stab myself and go through surgery in order for it to happen - I’m sure the conversation that day would have gone in a different direction, and I probably wouldn’t have had to continue fending off comments for the next couple of years.

No matter what, people will continue to make comments. It often happens at the most ridiculous of times, in public, in front of tons of people who then look at you waiting for a response. My friend was recently asked at a funeral why she doesn’t have more than 2 kids. Can you believe it! Another friend who is also dealing with infertility was asked in a job interview if she has kids and when she’s planning on having them (yes, it’s illegal).

This isn’t going to change. Or at least it’s not going to change overnight or any time soon. So what can we do? How can those of us struggling deal with all the questions, accusations, and comments?

It’s something I’m still working on. I remember almost 3 years ago, a couple months after my 2nd miscarriage, my hubby and I were packing to go on a camping trip. I carried in the giant cooler into the kitchen to put in all the food and ice packs. My mother-in-law said to me that I shouldn’t carry it in because it’s heavy. Now, this was a very sensitive time for me, and many people had said that, as mentioned in my last post, you shouldn’t lift things when you’re a woman because it’s bad for your uterus (this isn’t true at all and a huge misconception). So I interpreted what she said in this way, and totally freaked out, blew up, yelled and screamed about how it has nothing to do with it… I then stormed off and balled my eyes out in our room (honestly, mostly from embarrassment for screaming at my husband’s mom). What she meant was that there are 2 men in the room so they should just lift it! No comment on my strength or my uterus. Luckily, I have the best mother-in-law in the world who totally forgave me immediately and felt bad (although I was the one at fault) and understood that I was going through a lot and feeling pretty depressed.

I like to think I’ve come a long way since that incident. Although every so often something will come along that will throw me for a loop. A few months ago at work I was talking to a new colleague and he was telling me about his 4 children. My other colleague in the room said that 4 kids is a lot! I didn’t like her critical tone, so in my attempt to make him feel included, he was new, I said, “well, 4 isn’t that many kids. When I was living in Israel 4 kids is like the average.” She then said, “Coming from the girl who doesn’t have any!” Punch in the stomach! I honestly thought I was going to throw up. I made some sort of smiley joke, bit my lip really hard, and then left to try and take deep breaths so that I wouldn’t start crying at the office.

Even though I’m clearly not perfect at this, here are some things that have helped me deal with my infertility when having to also deal with a baby-obsessed society:

Hobbies

As I’ve mentioned before, infertility and fertility treatments take over my life. It is very distracting, especially when in the thick of it. Having something other than treatments and work has been really important to me. My biggest hobby for the past few years has been rock climbing. It’s also the kind of sport that keeps me focused and motivates me to improve. Alon and I go climbing together which is also fun for us and takes our minds off of other things, and on the side, is great for our relationship. We go climbing 2-3 times a week. Other hobbies for us include camping, exercise, running, cooking, yoga, cycling, and gardening. This also helps in changing the topic when we need to, and we can talk about things that are actually interesting to us.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

Telling the truth - sort of

I’ve spent the last 4 years lying. Most of the time, to people I love. I would come up with every uncomfortable excuse in the book - we’re focusing on our careers, we don’t want children right now, ugh kids are so annoying - have you been to ikea lately?, I love my job, we live far away from family, there are enough kids in the family, I don’t want to get fat right now, if you don’t want to take care of our dog how will you take care of grandchildren?, my dog jumped on me - that’s why I have bruises, I ate too much at lunch - that’s why I’m so bloated (also sometimes true), I can’t drink alcohol because my stomach hurts, I’m off sugar because my glucose levels were high on a blood test (not true, the ND told me to), etc. Honestly, it’s pretty exhausting.

By a certain point I switched to truthful excuses, which were still uncomfortable but not total lies. It’ll happen when it happens, yes I do want kids, who knows when it will happen, I don’t want to talk about it…

Change the subject

Just change it. Have an artillery of topics that you can talk about. Hobbies, politics, interests, current events, gossip, it doesn’t matter. If there’s a way to segue into it, even better, but otherwise just make the switch. “Alon and I were on a canoe trip in August and there was a family there with a toddler and an infant breastfeeding, on the canoe. One day that will be us. (oh! Where did you go canoe tripping?) We were up in Algonquin. It’s so gorgeous there, we love it. We actually just booked this summer’s trips already. Do you like canoe trips? You should come with us!” OR “Uh, we’ll see, so anyway, (uncomfortable look), how do you feel about Canada legalizing marijuana? I think it’s…” Try to always lead the conversation.

Meditation and yoga

I’ve recently started meditating. Not for long periods of time, and not every day, I’m still learning, but it helps in controlling emotions and helps me focus on breathing. Yoga has a similar effect. I highly recommend this for helping us feel in control when our crazy emotions may get the better of us.

Be open
This was the hardest thing for us to do. Coming out as infertile to the world. That being said, we've noticed a big change and less hurtful conversations about it. I'm not suggesting posting on facebook like we did - that post had a very specific purpose. But if I could go back in time, I would have told family and friends much earlier. Being completely honest has lifted a very very heavy weight off our shoulders, and... it's funny to see people's reactions when you just say it (for once someone else is uncomfortable). Again, we're not yelling from the rooftops and even the people at work don't really know about it, but if asked, we can now just say the truth, perhaps make people aware of the problem, or simply say that we don't really want to talk about it, but that's the answer.

Set other life goals

A huge goal is creating a family. It often feels like it’s the only one, or the only important one. It takes up a lot of time, mental-power, and money. But the rest of life can’t go on hold. We spend a lot of our time also on our finances, or our future home. We have other projects. Our careers are really important to us and we’re always looking for ways to enhance our careers, grow in our jobs, and professional development opportunities. We look to how we can volunteer and help our communities. We’ve already planned our summer camping and canoe trips so that we can be in nature, which we love. We take courses online to get better at photography, accounting, marketing, and self-care. I now have a goal of writing a blog and share our experiences with the world to help others and raise awareness and sensitivity. We have our whole lives ahead of us, so we’re trying to make it as great as possible.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz