When Miracles Happen

It's been a long time. I was writing very consistently until everything changed and I didn't know how to write about it. I also didn't want to jinx anything.

Where did I leave off? I'll sum up and try to keep it short. We were looking for a surrogate. We found a surrogate in New Brunswick through an agency. Going the independent route didn't work out and it just seemed easier to have a "middle-man" to deal with payments. She seemed wonderful. But everything was stressful. All the medical tests she had to do, the healthcare system in New Brunswick we learned was terrible and inaccessible, the costs involved with our fertility clinic, the agency was difficult to work with, the clinic also became difficult to work with, and I felt like everything was against me becoming a mom. Contract negotiations were also taking forever (a document that takes at least 3 hours to read). Summer 2017 was not fun, very stressful, and I wasn't feeling well health-wise. The only thing keeping me going was our canoe trips on the summer long weekends to give us a break from the chaos.

After putting it off forever, I decided that I would start another IVF cycle to create more embryos. This would be my 7th egg retrieval. I didn't know how many tries we would need from the surrogate and was also thinking of future children. Since I don't have a cycle, the new plan was to take the birth control pill for 2 months before starting the IVF cycle. The standard protocol is to go in to the clinic for a beta test (pregnancy test) before starting any cycle / meds. My in-laws were in town from Israel and I honestly just didn't have the willpower to go in. Why do a blood test that's going to be negative? So I was about to start the pill when something in the back of my mind told me to just pee on a stick.

Mother’s Day After a Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer (2018)

I would like to thank this guest blogger, who will remain anonymous, for her courage in writing this. And although Mother's Day has past, the feelings don't go away at the end of the day.

Mother’s Day is hard during infertility.

When it falls days after you find out that your PGS tested perfect embryo transfer failed

Mother’s Day is a punch in the stomach

It’s a constant reminder of everything you don’t have

But everything you want

It’s logging onto social media and immediately logging off because every post is a trigger

It’s staring at baby strollers longingly and wondering if it’ll ever be you

It’s seeing pregnant women everywhere you turn and trying to push the tears away

It’s a constant reminder of what you had, if only fleetingly for those 2 weeks when you were pregnant until proven otherwise

It’s trying to hide, but not being able to

A Passover Reflection

I know it's been a long time since I've written. For reasons that will come out later.

This evening we start the Jewish holiday of Passover. My friend Rachel has written this blog post. Thank you Rachel for sharing your story and your wise words.

During the Seder we will be recounting the story of the Exodus from Egypt and redemption from Pharaoh’s oppression, and many take time to reflect upon the broader theme of national and individual struggle and redemption. Since the birth of my son a few months ago, I have been processing my own challenges with infertility and pregnancy loss, and as Passover approaches I am reflecting on past Passovers without our children. Thank you to Rebecca for asking me to write a guest blog post about this process.

In the Haggadah, we read “All who are hungry, come and eat; all who are needy come and celebrate Passover."  Sometimes celebrating Passover and attending a Seder can be difficult. We may or may not know the challenges facing friends, family members, or strangers at the meal. Maybe you or someone you know are in need of a personal redemption.

The "It could always be worse" Syndrome

In chatting with friends and others going through fertility treatments, I’ve noticed a common theme. We sometimes get these pings of guilt. For a whole variety of reasons, but sometimes it’s because we think that we don’t deserve to feel bad. I’m honestly not for being in a chronic state of wallowing in self-pity, but there’s this feeling that what we’re dealing with is somewhat a choice. We think about how we’re not dying, as much as infertility is a disease and the majority of the time related to physical disabilities within the body, but no, there’s not a death connection. We think about how everyone is dealt different cards in life - maybe my finances are okay, or I have a loving supportive family, but I can’t have a baby, and so I shouldn’t feel bad because others have crappy finances or unsupportive families but can easily have a baby. We think about how we have friends who are still single in their 30s looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with, and I’m complaining about how I can’t have children when they’re not even there yet! If we have secondary infertility we might think about how at least we could easily have 1 child whereas some people spend years trying for their first. We keep thinking about how it could always be worse.

This isn’t something that others say to us. No friend or family member actually feels this way about those close to them who are infertile. It’s totally something felt inside. In conversations that we have with ourselves or our partners. But maybe this is also our way of seeing the positive things in our lives too. It’s important to remember them. And we can be thankful for our health, our loving partner, our jobs, friends, family, etc.

A Year After Coming Out - A Reflection on my New Identity

When infertility becomes a part of your identity you can end up in a very dark place. There are many ups and downs, but it’s a huge adjustment. Some people grow up with a specific medical issue, or had a disease along the way, and are perhaps more prepared for the fact that infertility is a part of their lives. But for most of us, it’s a huge shift. We’re not prepared. There’s no book on “what to expect when you’re not expecting to be infertile”. And often, it’s something that we’re not willing to accept as a part of us, but rather something we “deal with” or “endure”. A combination of medical problems we didn’t even know existed, or didn’t realize would contribute to baby-making.

It took me a long time to accept the fact that infertility is a part of who I am. It was a deep secret. Many people hurt me because they didn’t know this side of me. I / we didn’t share it. Eventually we realized that we had no choice but to share. On the one hand, it was eating me up inside, making me bitter and angry. On the other hand, we had run out of resources.

A year ago I posted on facebook with a notice that we’re searching for a gestational surrogate. I’d say it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever put out in public. We had extended family and close friends who had no idea. In fact, no one really knew. And there it was, out in the world.

Rosh Hashana - Wishing for a Sweet New Year

This past week Jews around the world celebrated Rosh Hashana - we brought in the Jewish new year. It is a beautiful holiday, with mostly too much food. We spend a lot of time with family. Many of us go to synagogue for prayers. We dip apples in honey.

I often experience Rosh Hashana in 2 ways at the same time. The first is, “here I am again, on Rosh Hashana, and a whole year has gone by yet again without expanding our family.” It’s pretty pessimistic, I guess, but I can’t help but reflect on the year that was and realize that in this specific aspect of my life, not much has really changed. With almost every other aspect of our lives we have the control, we make the choices. Not getting that deserved promotion? We look for a new job. Hate where we live? We can find a new apartment or house. Feeling unhealthy? We can choose to eat better and exercise more, even if it’s really really hard to make these decisions and stick to them. At the end of the day, we control that. When it comes to baby making, everything is out of control. If a cycle will even work. Our response to drugs. How many embryos will develop to Day 5. If we’ll find a surrogate. If she’ll sign the contract. If embryos will actually develop better with an egg or sperm donor. So much up in the air. All the time.

Breaking Routine

We haven't taken a real vacation since last August when we flew to Israel for my sister-in-law's wedding. On the way back to Toronto, we took 6 days in Switzerland. It was amazing. But it's been tough to get away this year. So a few weeks ago my parents-in-law came in for a visit for 2 and half weeks. We had a great time. Although we were still here, this totally broke up our routine, which was excellent.

We're creatures of habit. We love our routines. And now that they've left, we're happy to get back to routine. But it was nice to create a sort of staycation. We travelled a lot. Stayed within a 3 hour radius of Toronto - Killbear Provincial Park, St. Jacob's, Prince Edward County... So much to see around us! And eat. We got to see Toronto through a tourist's lens. While we went to work, we sent them all around the city. Made them walk everywhere. Through them we discovered new neighbourhoods that we must go to.